My side of the Trees

Today I talked with an old friend at work. She's tall and slim, European, driven to succeed. She has her PhD and was in charge of major successful projects at my workplace. I've known her since I was 30. And I've been jealous of her for the past 20 years.



She has always seemed to have it all. An incredibly smart daughter who was in gifted classes for 12 years. A mother who moved from Holland to be near. Independence, both financially and emotionally. Interesting friends and a career she enjoyed. The respect of her colleagues.



But today, my old friend was crying on my shoulder. Literally soaking my sleeve with her bitter tears. Her husband lost his job of 20 years and the small business they started is bankrupt. Her husband found work last week painting cars. Her job where we work has been restructured and she is now doing a job she did not train for. The program she implemented was turned over to someone who accused her of not helping him be successful. Her daughter has run away from home. Her mother has Alzheimer's.


I was overwhelmed suddenly with gratitude. I'm a little overweight, but active and healthy-feeling. I have a job I love. I finished high school and college and graduate school and was the first member of my family to do so. My spiritual life is fulfilling. I am close to my brothers and sister. I'm proud of my children who have not run away and in fact call me almost every day. I have a husband who adores me.


I remembered something my grandmother used to tell me. I had forgotten it until today. I yearned for my grandmother's love yet it always seemed just out of reach. I looked for opportunties to make a connection with her. So each winter from the time I was 16 until I moved away I volunteered to drive 350 miles from my home in North Carolina to my grandmother's home in South Carolina. I would arrive around noon and we would gather her things and lock up and drive right back to North Carolina where she stayed with my family until the spring. We drove back up Interstate 95 and eventually dusk would settle on the little farms and houses which line I-95 in southern North Carolina. Lights from these houses twinkled through the pine trees like enchanged fairy lanterns. Things looked so cozy in those farmhouses, so safe. My grandmother would always say to me, "I wonder what people are doing in those little houses?" She was a sad lady and envied people who had lives different from her own.


Today I was reminded of that story when my friend was crying and I was trying to offer her comfort. All at once, it was gone. The jealousy and the envy. Just 'poof' and it wasn't there anymore. I don't think I worked on this consciously or that the jealousy fairy godmother tapped me with her magic wand to remove the green-eyed serpent.

I think it was experience and contentment and the wisdom which, yes, does come to some of us in dribs and drabs. It was gratitude and relief. It was being able to offer solace to an old friend. However it happened, today I realized someone might be looking through the trees at my own little twinkling lights. I hope it wasn't my friend, wondering if things were better on the other side of the trees.